Jokes.

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Mike.Ayling
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Sun 27 Jan 2019, 7:39 am

HELL EXPLAINED:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona physics mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, so then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Frosty » Sun 27 Jan 2019, 10:41 am

Another good one, Mick..

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Thu 14 Mar 2019, 9:33 pm

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little boy next door with a little red wagon with little ladders hung on the side.
The boy was wearing a fireman’s helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter said, “Hey, little partner, what are you doing?”
The little boy replied, “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire engine.”
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire engine,” he said with admiration.
“Thanks, mister,” said the boy.
The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed that the boy had looped a string through the wagon, tying one end to the dog’s collar and the other end to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I’d be the last person to tell you how to run your fire engine, but, you know, if you were to tie that string around the cat’s collar, I think you could go a lot faster.”
“You’re probably right, mister,” said the boy, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Fri 03 May 2019, 1:57 pm

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking
coffee.

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and
they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.

' Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start......"
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Re: Jokes.

Postby jvb » Sat 04 May 2019, 4:38 pm

When I said to my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti, she ridiculed me and laughed out load.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Mon 06 May 2019, 8:34 am

jvb wrote:When I said to my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti, she ridiculed me and laughed out load.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.



Like it!

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Mon 10 Jun 2019, 7:29 pm

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $2,000 in cash, and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Fri 13 Sep 2019, 8:31 am

This notice can now be found in many French churches:

En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu. Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.
Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.

Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui. Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS enconduisant.

Translation

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.

If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him. If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Mike.Ayling » Sat 26 Sep 2020, 9:18 am

Back in the early 90s, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Scwarzenegger were getting a little tired of being cast as muscle bound action heroes, and decided to collaborate on a movie about 18th century composers.

When it came time to decide who would play what, Stallone said, “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Van Damme said, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Frosty » Sat 26 Sep 2020, 12:33 pm

Mike.Ayling wrote:Back in the early 90s, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Scwarzenegger were getting a little tired of being cast as muscle bound action heroes, and decided to collaborate on a movie about 18th century composers.

When it came time to decide who would play what, Stallone said, “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Van Damme said, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Matt1 » Sat 26 Sep 2020, 4:32 pm

Champaign comedy! Thank you Mike.
Still posting. Still riding.


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